Almost 2 months ago, I seriously injured my knee (ACL rupture + tear of both menisci). I’ve been experiencing this weird thing where my body can no longer support me and as a result. this feeling of losing ground, literally. Since then, my world has only revolved around one thing, my knee, with no way to forget it.
Physically, I went from crawling from one room to the other, to hopping with crutches, to learning to walk again and stepping out of the apartment, to go up the stairs. to soon running (scary!) and then jumping (even scarier). All thanks to intense physiotherapy exercises.
Emotionally, everything seems to have come to an abrupt halt. there was a period of primal survival where I didn’t feel much, I’m not sure I even breathed, then came fear, anger and tears of despair.
And one day finally back in the studio, and after crying for hours, I put on some music and just danced, on one leg (the “bad” one) trying to find my balance. It was short and invigorating, and from that moment on, I felt hope returning to me, that warm feeling I hadn’t been able to reach for weeks. I even started to believe that I would “cope” without a ligament (and without surgery) to return to sports and more. Time will tell…
But I finally returned to things I thought I lost drive for like drawing and movement, and tasted what i think is called “optimism”. If you’re not optimistic when you’re injured, then when will you be?
This is my first self-portrait.. and an ode to our knees..
I defy anyone to tell me which knee is the injured one (from the drawing)?
😉
Love, Ethel
ethelgutmann.com 